Thoughts Written Onto Paper

I have spent months building my “acceptance” of my current situation upon the expectation of trying again in the future. But after this long, I feel extremely emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually tired once again.

Slowly, I feel myself breaking the concrete and pulling the bricks down. I no longer accept this “acceptance” that I’ve made myself believe I had.

I feel like this “acceptance” no longer belongs to me because it’s built on the very foundations of the thing that had hurt me in the first place.

I am tired of giving other people power over my thoughts, my actions, and my own life. I am my own person. This is my life and nobody should be able to pull it in any other direction other than the one that is true to myself and who I am.

I feel like I had tried to build property onto land that didn’t even belong to me in the first place. And in a way, I suppose that was what I did. I tried to hold onto something that no longer belongs to me.

I had sold off that land, but I kept daydreaming about the day I would buy it back again in the future. I spent my days thinking about what I would do once that land was mine once more. And I forgot sometimes that anybody could come by and build something else on it in the meantime.

I think it is about time to look at other plots of land, and other properties and places. I think it is about time to leave this land alone. To leave what doesn’t belong to me anymore.

But inside, I still hate it. I hate having to walk away and look for something else. Not after so many different memories that I had with it. Not after all those dreams of me coming back to it.

I wouldn’t be true to myself if I didn’t let go. However, I fear that I wouldn’t be true to myself if I didn’t come back.

I think I need to learn how to distinguish when the right time is for what.

At this moment in time, I have to let go. It is a given. I have to walk away and find new things in life. I have to stay true to myself and do the things that I love. I have to reach for my dreams and aspirations. I have to be the woman that I’ve always wanted to be. I want to be somebody happy with living, somebody successful with my own strengths. Somebody worthwhile and good.

I want to be somebody better than the person that I am today. I want to be somebody that I am proud of.

I want to be- no, I need to be somebody independent and brave. I need to fight for all the things that I truly believe in and I need to find my purpose. I need to figure out who I am in this world and what I could give. I could be anything that I want.

And it’s time to work on me, for me. It’s time to be everything I want to be.

I will build properties on my own land. I will build a city, an empire. I will be a force to be reckoned with. I will be loved and I will be cared for, not just by other people but most importantly by myself.

I will build acceptance not for the situation that I am in, but for myself. I will accept myself in ways that other people could only wish for. All my flaws, my weaknesses, my strengths, my goodness, and badness. I will love myself in all entirety and I will take care of myself in all entirety.

I will hold my head up high and walk in a straight line. I will be everything that I wish to be. I will be true to myself through thick and thin. And the only romantic relationship that I need right now is one with myself and my heartfelt dreams.

Whatever is meant to happen, will end up happening. Things will start to fall into my lap once I make the leap to be truly myself. I would no longer need to beg, or wish, or dream. I would simply just have to do.

If being true to myself means that I have to go back in the end, then I will. I will be true to myself every second of every day. But being true starts with leaving, so I will do that today.

Once I get my life in control, I will be everything that I was meant to be.

And most of all, I will be happy. Truly and profoundly happy.

My only wish for you is to be happy as well.

We tried and we failed. I realised long ago that it was because it just wasn’t time yet.

We haven’t grown our own roots as individuals. We haven’t made any mark in the world. We haven’t found ourselves or matured our souls and our spirit. We haven’t established into a fully grown tree. We still leaned and depended on each other. That’s not what trees are supposed to be like.

Trees are tall, upright and majestic. They are rigid, grounded into place and stable. They are connected underground with their roots, but they stand individually. They are alone while they are together. They depend on themselves and no one else. They grow towards the light.

I am my own individual tree. And I do not need any other tree for support. I will grow towards my own light and I will survive every storm, every strong wind, every drought and as well as every flood. I will be everything a tree is meant to be.

I will be everything I was meant to be.

I will work for myself, for my own future and for my own life.

Other trees cannot make me falter or lose sight of the light. They will not be able to steal my life away from me.

So I’m sorry for trying so hard to keep what was no longer mine. You have the right to do whatever makes you happy and be who you truly are. No matter how annoying you get, or how many times you end up doing something that I don’t agree with, you are growing. And so am I. So I am grateful.

I am grateful for the pain. I am grateful for the lessons. I am grateful for the opportunity to know somebody and love. I am grateful for the experience. I am grateful for the growth.

You grow in ways that you grow. And I grow in ways that I grow.

And we will be happy with however life plays out.

Most importantly, I will be me in the end. That is all that truly matters.

 

 

xx Solaris Denali

 

 

3 thoughts on “Thoughts Written Onto Paper

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